Have you ever noticed how superficial Hollywood is? I was really thinking about this a few days ago, there are almost no fat people in Hollywood, because honestly who wants to see fat people right? We're all obsessed with beauty. There are few early un"perfect" people at all, especially women, no fat people, overbites, warts, I dunno whatever. Fat people are played by hot actors/actresses in fat suits. Just like geeks are never played by people with big glasses and overbites, it's played by some really hot chick or guy, who they put glasses on them, do something with their hair and dress them all geeky, but like I said they are really hot people, all they do is like wow, u take of the glasses at they are hot, it's lame. Hollywood doesn't represent the real world properly since we're having an obesity crisis in the real world, but Hollywood represents how ignorant we all are, we don't want to see fat people, geeky people, we only wanna see hot girls and guys. So we get what we pay for and I'll never get to be in Hollywood, because despite there are roles for geeks they are never filled by geeks, same with fat people roles.

   This past week I did a little reconnecting with my past, when I went digging for my old journals. I found them exactly where I left some 6 years ago. Towards the end of writing in them I tried to write in them every other day. Often my journal or Jared as I call it, was my what felt like my only friend, and to tell you the truth sometimes this blog felt like that in high school as well. This all started with getting in touch with one of my very first crushes, one of those innocent kiddie crushes that you still find yourself wondering whatever happened to so and so. When I saw her pictures at first it was wow, she’s really changed but I could see in her eyes the girl I had been crushing on so many moons ago. My journals still had the card that she sent me, after I asked to out, she turned me down, because she said she was dating someone else. After she turned me down I don’t think I spoke to her again until now, but I always asked myself was she really dating someone, or just using an excuse, I finally got an answer to my question, some 8 years later, she really was dating someone, I even know who now. But reading my journals reminded me of other things that I had forgotten all about, people, places and emotions, it marked milestones that good and the bad. It’s kinda scary reading some of the things I wrote, and I especially ask myself now how I survived till today, I was only 10 when I first talked about hating myself, and then 12 was the first time I talk about suicide. Honestly I don’t things have changed much, going on 8 years later from my first thoughts of suicide I still battle everyday with depression. I really don’t see that changing any time soon, I believe it’s going to be a life long battle, until somehow it ends.

   This week was going to be about yet another broken dream about the girl I’ve been talking about for awhile now but last night at 2345hrs I received a call from her! It was shocking I had no idea what to say, she said she was going to call me today, hasn’t yet, but this was a very interesting development, and very unexpected. Now though I’m left back at square one, after last week I though it was all over, now I’m back to question marks. Anyway, here is my back up entry until I get something new with the girl, Christmas is under a month away, it is generally one of my least favourite holidays, everyone’s joy is just a painful reminder of how unhappy I am. Everyone seems to get so into it, it’s everywhere where you go, and on TV and radio, it’s unescapable. So why did I call this entry "My Grown Up Christmas List" and why am I writing it now? Well, I guess it was about the beginning of November my sister sent around her Christmas list, 21 and still writing her a Christmas list. But my dad recently came into my room and asked me if I had a similar list, as I said to him, when was the last time I wrote list? Honestly I can’t remember the last time I wrote a Christmas list, in the past they have been only a list of more things to be disappointed about, Christmas morning was always a disappointment, I already had enough of that in my life, so I stopped asking. I don’t even write things on the grocery list anymore for the fear of disappoint. I’ve just plained stop asking for things, if I want it, I find a way to do it myself, and if I can’t do it, I don’t, I don’t need others to help me disappoint myself.

   I wrote a bunch of little things this week so I had to decided what to actually post, it was tough to choose because they were both time sensitive and this ones thoughts end up changing by the time I posted but I want you to read these so next week you’ll see the change again. Anyway, I had two dreams this past week that I thought were kind of interesting as they happened in one night and had a common thread. Both dreams had to do with me chasing something and ultimately failing miserably. First dream, I was a cop and was chasing a couple criminals through a dark subdivision, and along with fellow constables wasn’t having trouble catching them when one of my partners says, ‘don’t worry this wont hurt a bit;’ and then proceeds to put his gun right to my shoulder and shoots me. Second dream, I’m me or so it would seem, there is this girl in Toronto I’m chasing, I’m talking to her and convince her to come see me, this is my chance to tell her how I feel. But when she comes to my house I end up convincing her to go after this guy she likes back in Toronto, so she ends up running out of my house presumably to go get the guy she wants. I just found this interesting because I can see the underlying message, that I’m chasing something, and that’s definitely true, my entire life is really that, I’m chasing going back to school, a full-time job, the girl, and overall happiness.

   This has been a thought I’ve had a lot over the years but I don’t think I’ve ever actually written about it. Here it is, hot doesn’t mean I want you, what I’m saying is just because I give you a compliment, particularly related to your looks doesn’t mean I want to have sex with you, date you whatever. It’s like this, when you say, aww, what a cute baby, does that mean you want the baby, god no, it’s a compliment, you’re trying to be nice. I mean so often I’ve taken heat because some younger girl, like 14-16, has been acting all down on herself, I guess fishing for compliments is a possibility and I’ve said a compliment to be nice; come on, you’re beautiful, you’re an incredible girl, whatever I feel like to try and make her feel better, and someone has been like that’s so wrong, you shouldn’t say stuff like that, yaddah yaddah. What’s wrong with being nice now a days? It’s not illegal to be nice, to say anything like that, unless it’s unwanted, in which case I wouldn’t say anything, but if they need a pick me up, I’ll say it. I mean it’s not even illegal to date, etc, a 14 year old in Canada, scary enough, but all I’m doing it complimenting them, I don’t want to date them. I’ll compliment a guy almost the same, again to be nice; you’re a nice guy, you’re a good guy, I’m sure some girl would love to have you, something like that. What’s wrong with being nice? To many see everything as something criminal, everything is something suspicious, every accident, an act of terrorism, see a person more than once a day, the person must be a stalker. Come on people, not everyone is bad hearted, I believe most people aren’t, just settle, stop trying to see the bad in everything and everyone, just be nice, when buddy is down, pick him up. By the way, did I mention how good you’re looking today?

   Dr.Phil asked this viewers this past Friday to write into the show to express why they are tired of being single. I thought about writing in but decided to just share my thoughts on the subject with you my readers. Although I know I’ve written on this topic a number of times and you’re probably sick of hearing about it, but I intend to side track a little to a related topic or person, and talk about her too so as always it’s all up to you, to read or not to read. So, why am I tired of being single, first of all, I’ve been officially single for over two years now, and despite having chances to move on I’ve found a way to sabotage every chance I had. There has only really been one girl I haven’t sabotaged things with yet, at least not that I know, but it’s tough to know either when we really haven’t had the chance to talk as much as I’d like. But besides that, I can see so much potential, we’d be a great couple when we finally get our chance, she’s everything I’ve been looking for and have so much in common. Only thing is I know I have to wait for her, could be weeks, months, even years, now it’s been said, Miss Perfect is worth waiting for, but if she’s not then I’ll just have wasted more time in my life. Right now she’s busy with school and sports so I never really get to talk to her, but she we do she seems interested, but I always feel like there is more going on than she tells me but is that my paranoia trying to sabotage this relationship too?

   I thought I’d saved two things I said to people which were going to the basis of my blog this week but turns out I saved neither and was only able to recover one of the things off the web. Now this thought is about how so many people want everything to be perfect, think they have to be the best at everything, or whatever it is they do. I do graphics design on the side, and this one girl was showing some stuff she had done, she said she wanted to try mods (modifications) warping pictures like I had done but "i think i would suck at them," I told, "Honestly, just keep playing with them, trying new things, have fun doing them, you'll keep getting better, and as long as ur having fun, and your happy, then it doesnt matter what anyone else thinks bout you." Forgive me for tooting my own horn but I think I’m exactly right, who cares if you’re not the best at doing mods or whatever it is your doing, are you having fun? Yes? Then that’s all that matters! Who says you have to the best or even good at what your doing? It’s like sports, it’s not a matter of winning or losing it’s did you have fun, of course, winning is a lot more fun. God knows, I’m not a great hockey goalie, I probably have one of the worst save percentages ever, but I don’t care, I’m just out there having fun, I love the game. It’s everything to me just to be able to play, if stop a few pucks in the process then that’s great, if not, well, maybe my team wont like me that much but did they still manage to have some fun, I still think they did and I know odds are I did too. I write poetry, am I the best at that, heavens no, am I good at it, who knows, some things I like, some things I don’t, some people who have read my stuff like it. Does that mean I’m good, no, but am I having fun, am I happy with what I’m doing, does it make me feel good, yes, and in the end that’s all that matters. Finally, back to where this all began, my graphics design, my mods, am I the best at that, again no, am I good at, well I can fake it if I’m not. But seriously, yeah I can make some nice stuff, but I know are limitless people out there that can make stuff so much better than I can, but once again, I ask, am I having fun, am I happy with what I’m doing, does it make me feel good, again yes to all, that’s all that matters folks. So relax don’t worry about being the best at everything you do, just ask yourself the same questions I did, am I having fun, am I happy with what I’m doing, does it make me feel good? If you can answer yes to at least one of the questions, it’s likely worth doing, if find yourself saying no to all, maybe it’s time to find something else to do. But if you’re having fun, you’re happy with what you doing and it makes you feel good, odds are your going to be improving and who knows you make just by accident end up the best at whatever you doing.